Regardless of who we are, what family we grow up in, how much education we have or how much success we achieve, we all experience failures. From time-to-time, we may encounter an unexpected loss or disappointment that can rock us at our core. Ryan Holiday’s book Ego is the Enemy has several pearls of wisdom to help us deal with these unfortunate events and emerge from them as better versions of ourselves. Here are some of my favorite life lessons and quotes from Ego is the Enemy in the section on Failure.
Lesson 1. Don’t be so attached to positive outcomes because sometimes, despite our best efforts, we will fail.
“In life there will be times when we do everything right, perhaps even perfectly. Yet the results will somehow be negative: failure, disrespect, jealousy, or even a resounding yawn from the world…but we must carry on. The less attached we are to outcomes the better. Do you work. Do it well. Then ‘let go and let God.”
Reflection: As ambitious young professionals we can be obsessed with the need to have control. We do all we can and plan our lives in a way that increases our chances for success. Although well-intentioned, we can begin to feel entitled to achievements, feeling as though we deserve success and this sense of entitlement can make things even more earth-shattering when we unexpectedly fail. With the quote above Holiday reminds us that we need to be less reliant on outcomes. Our goal is to do our best and hope for a positive result, not feel entitled to it. Failure, disappointment, and loss happen to us all.
Lesson 2. How we react to unexpected events is important.
“There are two types of time in our lives: dead time, when people are passive and waiting, and alive time, when people are learning and acting and utilizing every second. Every moment of failure, every moment or situation what we did not deliberately choose or control, presents this choice: Alive time. Dead time.”
Reflection: With this quote Holiday reminds us that while we may not be able to control the things that happen to us, we can control our reaction to them. When a disappointment or failure occurs, we have a critical choice to make. Are we going to stand by idly and remain in our sorrows? Or, will we make the most of the situation by trying to learn something from our experience? The choice is ours. Making the decision to learn something from the experience is not only a better use of our time, but it also alters our perspective on things, improves our mood, and allows us to emerge as a better, more resilient person.
Lesson 3. Failures help grow us and keep us humble.
“We cannot be humble except by enduring humiliations. People learn from their failures. Seldom do they learn anything from success.”
Reflection: Here Holiday quotes an inevitable truth: We gain knowledge and are more motivated to change when we face failure. When things go well, we often do not feel the need to change, since we often assume that what we are doing must be working well. We feel no need to change course. Adversity shakes this mindset. Failure comes and causes of us to enter a period of reflection. We begin to wonder what we could have done differently, what can we do better, how can we improve. It’s a forceful reminder that we are not perfect, and we need to work harder to be better than we are currently. This revelation gives us a new level of humility. With a healthy dose of this humility, we are better prepared to enter success more gracefully.
Lesson 4. Change the definition of success. It’s more about effort.
“Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming.”
Reflection: Similar to the point above, if we view success as achievements and external rewards, we will be disappointed because those things—the outcomes, rewards, and recognition—are beyond our control. We must instead take Holiday’s advice and change our definition of success. It’s not about what we achieve, it’s about putting in our best effort and doing everything we can on our end. Once we do that, we can be happy with ourselves, regardless of the results. All any of us can do is try.
Lesson 5. Don’t stay stuck. Move pass the hurt.
“The events he endured weren’t exactly fair, but at least he didn’t let it ruin his life.”
Reflection: One of the worse things we can do is be so shocked and dismayed by our failure that we wallow in pity. Doing so, causes us to waste precious time. Constantly reflecting over what could have been and what we feel should have been can preclude us from finding the motivation to get through our current struggle and may even prevent us from reaching our next destination. Life isn’t fair, but make up in your mind that you won’t allow the unfortunate event or series of events, from ruining your life.
Lesson 6. Emerge from the experience with your character intact.
“Let’s say you’ve failed and let’s even say it was your fault. Shit happens and sometimes shit happens in public. It’s not fun. The questions remain: Are you going to make it worse? Or, are you going to emerge from this with your dignity and character intact?”
Reflection: I personally love this quote. Every time I read it, it reminds me that I’m not alone. As Holiday puts it, sometimes sh*t happens. It sucks, especially when it happens in front of other people. We are embarrassed and often want to crawl under a rock or disappear entirely. Those feelings are normal. However, it’s up to us to make the best of this moment and refrain from letting our bruised ego cause us to act in ways that exacerbate the blow. Yes, we hate that this happened. Yes, we are embarrassed. But we must commit to making the most of this experience. We must try to find the silver lining and remember that this too shall pass.
My point? We all face disappointments and failures. Ryan Holiday, in his book Ego is the Enemy has so many great quotes that help us put things into perspective. We are reminded that failures happen to us all and the important part is for us to search for the lesson in the midst of our disappointment and use the experience to become a better person. Which quote above resonated with you the most?